How To Stop Being A People Pleaser With 16 Empowering Hacks

Overexplaining yourself, saying ‘Yes’ to all invitations and demands, fear of expressing your needs and wants – sound familiar? A people pleaser puts everyone before themselves and feels the obligation to make everyone happy. I’ve been there girl. As an ex-people pleaser, I know how hard it is to be a slave of the need to ‘care’. That’s why in this post on how to stop being a people pleaser, I share the best tips to express your opinions freely and set boundaries without feeling guilty.

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How To Stop Being A People Pleaser With 16 Amazing Tips

Get this into your head: A ‘NO’ to others is a ‘YES’ to yourself.

I have to work a lot on myself to finally understand this and it’s… Liberating.

And, when I stopped being a people pleaser, I promised myself that I would never try to fix everyone’s problems ever again.

Here are my top tips that helped me eliminate my toxic people-pleasing habit:

1. Recognize Your Patterns

2. Know Your Value

3. Learn How To Say ‘No’

4. Make Time For Selfcare

5. Express Your Feelings

6. Let Others Be Upset With You

7. Forgive And Move On

8. Set Boundaries

9. Stand Up For Yourself

10. Don’t Fall For Manipulative Tactics

11. Make Your Own Decisions

12. Don’t Overexplain Yourself

13. Ignore The Feeling Of Guilt

14. Be Assertive

15. Build Confidence

16. Aim For Meaningful Relationships

Recognize Your Patterns

You can’t break your people-pleasing habit if you are unaware of it.

Start by identifying situations where you tend to put others’ needs ahead of your own.

It could be:

• Taking on additional tasks or projects beyond your capacity to avoid disappointing colleagues or superiors.

• Accepting social invitations or attending events you don’t enjoy or have time for to avoid offending friends or family.

• Always being the one to listen, support, or help out friends, even when you need time for yourself.

• Agreeing with others’ opinions or decisions to avoid arguments or confrontations.

• Sacrificing your own desires, hobbies, or comfort to accommodate your partner’s preferences and maintain harmony.

In my case, I used to avoid expressing my feelings when I didn’t agree with someone to maintain the peace. Turns out, I was only causing myself stress and anxiety.

Constantly suppressing how you feel is emotionally exhausting.

Know Your Value

As a fellow woman who recovered from a lack of self-esteem, I can assure you something: you are valuable just the way you are.

Don’t try to fit in.

Don’t force relationships.

I came to realize that you’ll always be criticized for anything. Learn to live with that.

There will be always someone who is not gonna like you. Learn to live with that.

You can’t control what others think about you.

Just tolerate the discomfort and live authentically.

The relationships that are meant to be will be.

Learn How To Say ‘No’

This was very hard for me but I got used to it with practice.

I’ll make it clear: start saying ‘No’ more often! It’s so liberating.

You see, when you are a people pleaser, you think that you will disappoint others if you don’t accept invitations or demands.

But, what about you? Your activities? Your time?

YOU are also important, sweetheart.

Start valuing your time and energy and get more picky when it comes to using them.

If you don’t really want to accept an invitation because of lack of time or energy, or simply because you don’t like to spend time with the person inviting you or the people who will attend the event, say NO!

You will feel much more alleviated than forcing yourself to accept something that is inconvenient for you.

RELATED POSTS:

• +120 People Pleasing Affirmations For Healthy Boundaries
• +41 Life-Changing Affirmations For Assertiveness
• +53 Empowering Affirmations For Bravery

Make Time For Selfcare

Speaking of time and energy, I can’t stress enough the importance of self-care.

If you are all exhausted and anxious, how will you achieve your goals or spend quality time with your loved ones?

You deserve to feel relaxed, healthy, and positive, and this is achieved through self-care.

Here are a few ideas to include in your daily self-care routine:

• Having a creative hobby (painting, crafting, baking, gardening, etc.)

• Taking nature walks

• Having a skin-care routine

• Journaling

• Reading

• Listening to music

• Taking soothing baths

• Doing exercise (yoga, aerobics, weight-lifting, dancing, etc.)

• Meditating

• Napping

There are so many ways to have ‘Me Time’.

Find the activities that help you reduce stress and prevent burnout.

These not only boost your mental well-being and overall health but also enable you to show up more fully in your relationships.

Blocking time in your agenda just for yourself is a RESPONSIBILITY, not an option.

Make it clear to everyone so they know that you respect your time as your most valuable asset.

Express Your Feelings

There’s nothing more toxic than bottling up your emotions.

I learned this the hard way and ended up suffering from anxiety.

What is causing you pain is denying your feelings to make everyone else comfortable, except you.

I know that it’s tempting to keep your truth to yourself to avoid conflict or punishment, but this ends up making you feel worse.

The solution? Start expressing your feelings, even if these may disappoint or upset others.

This helps not only to stay true to yourself but also to avoid resentment, anxiety, and even depression.

If you are worried about others getting upset with you, we touch on that next!

Let Others Be Upset With You

I thought that people getting upset with me was the worst thing ever.

That’s why I accepted unwanted invitations, inconvenient demands, and harmful interactions.

Do you see how toxic this is for your mental health?

Why let everybody else use you or disrespect you this way?

Start expressing what you like, don’t like, or want.

If they get upset, it will pass.

If they get offended, it’s on them.

With practice, you’ll see that it’s not your obligation to be liked by others or to make everyone happy, neglecting your well-being.

Forgive And Move On

As you live, you’ll encounter toxic people.

People who will try to diminish you, criticize you, or destroy your self-esteem.

You can’t control this, but you CAN control how you react to these situations.

The healthy reaction? Forgive, and move on.

As a people pleaser, you might forgive but still dedicate time to people who don’t add positivity to your life.

Remember: forgiving doesn’t mean trusting or spending time with the other person.

Forgiving can mean no contact or releasing unhealthy relationships.

Wish them good luck, and move on.

Set Boundaries

As a person with their own schedules, goals, and needs, you SHOULD set boundaries with colleagues, friends, and – yes- family.

There’s no other way around it if you want people to respect your time and space.

If you don’t put limits, people will use you, your time, and your energy in whichever way possible.

And, no, it’s not your job to make everyone feel better.

You should be honest and communicate assertively to sound firm but kind.

Let me tell you: some will make you feel bad about it. That’s for sure. EXPECT to receive that kind of reaction.

It’s ok. Some conflict is normal.

Let me share a story:

When I declined an invitation to a relative’s birthday party, several members of my family tried to make me feel ‘guilty’ about it.

I almost fell for this manipulative tactic, but soon I realized that I really couldn’t attend: I didn’t have time and also I didn’t know most of the people who were going to attend the party.

Do you know what happened? I didn’t go to the party, anger from others wore off, and no relationship was harmed.

I set boundaries and now they know that I have the freedom to say ‘No’ if something is inconvenient for me.

Stand Up For Yourself

It’s not normal to always be taken advantage of or ignored. That has to stop.

Standing up for yourself is key to getting rid of people pleasing.

This doesn’t involve losing your mind and talking aggressively.

Explain how you feel and what you need directly, avoiding being apologetic and in a respectful manner.

People should know that you won’t be swayed by guilt-tripping or manipulation.

If your needs or boundaries are challenged, politely but firmly repeat them and listen actively to help de-escalate potential conflicts.

Don’t Fall For Manipulative Tactics

In this post, I highlight the importance of staying your ground when people try to manipulate you.

Manipulation often involves:

• Making you feel guilt or fear

• Controlling what you think and do

• Applying pressure or threats

• Making you doubt your values and perceptions

• Using excessive compliments

• Deliberately withholding information, affection, or resources

• Pretending to be a victim to elicit sympathy

• Creating conflicts or fostering division

If someone is using these tactics, they are trying to get something from you, even if it’s harmful to your well-being.

Learn to identify this behavior and stay true to your goals and values.

Make Your Own Decisions

When making important decisions, people will try to influence you to either go ahead or change your mind.

Only YOU know what’s best for you, so feel free to discard opinions that don’t serve you.

This applies to decisions related to your professional career, your kids, your relationships, your body, your hobbies, and your life goals.

Don’t let anyone interfere with what you want from life.

Your goals matter as much as everyone else’s.

Storytime: when I met my partner online, several people told me that that wouldn’t work because it was a long-distance relationship. Supposedly, we would get bored and break up. Turns out, he came to my country to meet me in person and we got married instantly. See? Don’t let others ruin your dreams!!

Don’t Overexplain Yourself

People pleasers tend to put all their energy into explaining why they can’t accept an invitation, take on a work project, agree to an opinion, etc.

You know what? This is completely unnecessary!

You don’t have the obligation to overexplain yourself.

When someone forces you to explain your reasons, they are trying to manipulate you to either feel guilty or change your mind.

By refraining from overexplaining, you reinforce your boundaries and acknowledge that your decisions don’t require external validation.

Be clear and concise. That way you project confidence in your actions.

Ignore The Feeling Of Guilt

When you set boundaries, some people will try to make you feel ‘selfish’.

Here, it’s important to note that you’ve been programmed towards people pleasing and codependency.

Taking your own decisions will ‘feel’ wrong. You will feel that you are ‘the villain’.

But this is not true.

Doing what’s best for yourself is not selfish, it’s self-love.

And self-love is key to happiness.

What’s the point of spending time with someone you don’t like, accepting a task when you are burned out, or giving emotional support to takers who don’t reciprocate?

Ignore the feeling of guilt and proceed anyway.

Be Assertive

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and directly while respecting the rights of others.

It involves standing up for yourself in a calm and confident manner without being aggressive or passive.

As a first step, spend time reflecting on your needs, desires, and boundaries. Understanding what you want is crucial to expressing it effectively.

With practice, you will start saying ‘No’ more often and communicate freely while keeping a calm tone and positive body language.

Affirmations actually work wonders to develop this skill! These assertiveness affirmations will give you the courage to finally stand up for yourself.

RELATED POSTS:

• +120 People Pleasing Affirmations For Healthy Boundaries
• +41 Life-Changing Affirmations For Assertiveness
• +53 Empowering Affirmations For Bravery

Build Confidence

Part of learning how to stop being a people pleaser is valuing who you are, your time, and your happiness.

A confident woman NEVER lets herself be walked all over because there is simply no room for toxic interactions.

So, how can you build more confidence? Here are a few tips from personal experience:

• Change your mindset: No one will respect you if you don’t like who you are in the first place.

• Set goals: A woman who knows what she wants doesn’t let others manipulate her.

• Practice self-care: Maintain a healthy lifestyle with regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep. Physical well-being directly affects your mental state, which is crucial to handle everyday situations.

• Step out of your comfort zone: Gradually expose yourself to situations that make you uncomfortable. Facing your fears head-on can diminish their power over you.

• Surround yourself with positive people: Spend time with people who uplift and support you. More on this in the following section.

• Acknowledge successes: Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Your effort counts.

• Embrace learning: View challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats. A growth mindset fosters resilience.

Aim For Meaningful Relationships

Surrounding yourself with toxic people or people who add nothing to your life is pure nonsense.

I used to do this just to fit in and not be alone.

It was a mistake.

Forcing relationships was emotionally exhausting and made me feel stressed out when I returned home.

What’s the point of living this way?

If you feel that the people surrounding you add nothing positive to your life, consider changing them.

In fact, it’s better to be alone until you find the right people than to go out with the wrong people.

Your mental health will thank you later.

Additionally, people who support you and cheer you on will never try to change who you are or take advantage of you.

Just be patient. You deserve better.

Remember that you can always get professional support to get rid of people-pleasing. I highly recommend ONLINE THERAPY for its outstanding service and warm-hearted professionals. Get 20% OFF your first month with my special link!

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser: FAQs

What’s The Root Cause Of People-Pleasing?

The root of people-pleasing often lies in the need for approval and acceptance, which arise from childhood experiences, social expectations, and personal insecurities.

Many people-pleasers grow up in environments where they are conditioned to seek validation through compliance and self-sacrifice, leading to a belief that their worth is tied to making others happy.

This behavior can also be influenced by a fear of conflict or rejection, driving individuals to prioritize others’ needs and desires over their own.

Consequently, people-pleasers may struggle with setting boundaries and asserting themselves, perpetuating a cycle of self-neglect and external validation.

What Kind Of Trauma Causes People-Pleasing?

Trauma that causes people-pleasing often involves experiences of emotional neglect, criticism, or abuse during childhood.

Children who grow up in environments where their emotional needs are not met, or where they are subjected to harsh criticism or unpredictable behavior from parents, may develop people-pleasing tendencies as a coping mechanism.

They learn to prioritize others’ needs and desires in an attempt to avoid conflict, gain approval, and feel valued.

Additionally, children who experience inconsistent or conditional love may internalize the belief that they must earn love and acceptance by being overly accommodating and self-sacrificing.

These patterns can carry into adulthood, leading to chronic people-pleasing behaviors.

Is People-Pleasing Part Of ADHD?

People-pleasing can be associated with ADHD, although it is not a core symptom of the condition.

Individuals with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, low self-esteem, and a heightened sensitivity to rejection, which can contribute to people-pleasing behaviors.

They might seek approval and acceptance from others as a way to compensate for their lack of self-confidence or to avoid the negative consequences of their impulsive actions.

What’s more, the challenges of managing ADHD symptoms, such as forgetfulness and disorganization, can lead to a fear of disappointing others, further reinforcing the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and avoid conflict.

However, it’s important to note that people-pleasing is a complex behavior with multiple contributing factors, and not everyone with ADHD exhibits people-pleasing tendencies.

Are People Pleasers Perfectionists?

Perfectionism and people-pleasing are closely related to each other, as both involve a strong desire to meet high standards and gain approval.

People-pleasers often adopt perfectionistic tendencies to ensure they meet others’ expectations and avoid rejection.

They strive for flawlessness in their efforts to make others happy, believing that any imperfection could lead to disapproval.

This can create a cycle where the fear of not being good enough forces them to go to great lengths to satisfy others, even at the expense of their own well-being.

As a consequence, people-pleasers may become perfectionists to gain acceptance and validation.

Are People Pleasers Insecure?

Yes, people-pleasers are often insecure.

Their need to make others happy usually comes from a lack of self-confidence and a fear of being rejected or judged.

They might believe their worth depends on what others think of them, so they go out of their way to please others and avoid conflict.

This insecurity makes them very sensitive to how others feel about them and can make it hard for them to set boundaries or put their own needs first.

Their people-pleasing behavior is often a way to cover up their feelings of not being good enough and to protect themselves from criticism.

Wrapping Up: How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

So there you have it! This post was all about how to stop being a people pleaser.

Have you tried these hacks yet?

Tell me about your story and how your progress is in the comments!

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‘How To Stop Being A People Pleaser With 16 Empowering Hacks’